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No, I’m Afraid You’re Right, Mr. Jeep Owner Guy… I Don’t Understand

Yep, your bumper sticker really sums it up: when I’m stuck behind your rumbling, rattling, bass-spewing metal box, lowered to within inches of the pavement on giant chrome wheels that destroy any off-road capability your vehicle might have had, with windows tinted to near-opacity more befitting a discreet A-list celebrity or dignitary than an overgrown adolescent knob who wants nothing in the world more than for people to look at him and assume he’s important — which, of course, he isn’t — I must admit I don’t get it.

I guess it really is a Jeep Thing. Maybe if I had selected a noisy, inefficient, bad-handling quasi-military vehicle with no plausible excuse for being driven on normal roadways, I too would see the appeal.

Maybe if it had seemed like a good idea to me to buy something with all the shortcomings of a truck combined as the hauling capacity of a unicycle, I’d get it. Maybe the intricate inner structure of that particular mindset, that “Hey-I-know-what-I’ll-do-I’ll-buy-a-giant-gas-guzzling-behemoth-that-barely-seats-two-and-blocks-everybody-else’s-view-of-the-road-and-then-I’ll-never-even-drive-it-through-a-mud-puddle-for-fear-of-dirtying-the-self-righteous-elitist-slogans-I-plastered-on-that-are-about-one-sixty-fourth-as-clever-or-intriguing-as-I-think-they-are” mentality… maybe that really is only accessible to the likes of you.

So, my concessions and apologies. I hereby confirm that it is indeed a Jeep thing, and that I truly would not understand. Not unless I had a lobotomy.

6 Responses

  1. Anonymous

    NO you don’t get it!

  2. Anonymous

    Damn, what did the person in the Jeep do to you. Col, to each his own. Man, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed!
    vz

  3. Colin

    Sorry, you’re right, Val. I just wanted to talk some smack and felt like the Jeep people were a good target.

    You have to admit, though, that the “It’s a Jeep thing…you wouldn’t understand” stickers are pretty pretentious. And obnoxious.

  4. kohn

    i much prefer calvin pissing the ford symbol when it comes to my bumper stickers…because its a chevy thing, you wouldn’t understand.

  5. Anonymous

    Yes, I would have to admit, smart as comments on bumber stickers are pretentious, and “it’s a jeep thing” fits perfectly into that category.

    vz

  6. Thomas

    I’ve never seen the brains in a jeep, either.

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