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No, I’m Afraid You’re Right, Mr. Jeep Owner Guy… I Don’t Understand

Yep, your bumper sticker really sums it up: when I’m stuck behind your rumbling, rattling, bass-spewing metal box, lowered to within inches of the pavement on giant chrome wheels that destroy any off-road capability your vehicle might have had, with windows tinted to near-opacity more befitting a discreet A-list celebrity or dignitary than an overgrown adolescent knob who wants nothing in the world more than for people to look at him and assume he’s important — which, of course, he isn’t — I must admit I don’t get it.

I guess it really is a Jeep Thing. Maybe if I had selected a noisy, inefficient, bad-handling quasi-military vehicle with no plausible excuse for being driven on normal roadways, I too would see the appeal.

Maybe if it had seemed like a good idea to me to buy something with all the shortcomings of a truck combined as the hauling capacity of a unicycle, I’d get it. Maybe the intricate inner structure of that particular mindset, that “Hey-I-know-what-I’ll-do-I’ll-buy-a-giant-gas-guzzling-behemoth-that-barely-seats-two-and-blocks-everybody-else’s-view-of-the-road-and-then-I’ll-never-even-drive-it-through-a-mud-puddle-for-fear-of-dirtying-the-self-righteous-elitist-slogans-I-plastered-on-that-are-about-one-sixty-fourth-as-clever-or-intriguing-as-I-think-they-are” mentality… maybe that really is only accessible to the likes of you.

So, my concessions and apologies. I hereby confirm that it is indeed a Jeep thing, and that I truly would not understand. Not unless I had a lobotomy.

  • Anonymous

    NO you don’t get it!

  • Anonymous

    Damn, what did the person in the Jeep do to you. Col, to each his own. Man, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed!
    vz

  • Colin

    Sorry, you’re right, Val. I just wanted to talk some smack and felt like the Jeep people were a good target.

    You have to admit, though, that the “It’s a Jeep thing…you wouldn’t understand” stickers are pretty pretentious. And obnoxious.

  • kohn

    i much prefer calvin pissing the ford symbol when it comes to my bumper stickers…because its a chevy thing, you wouldn’t understand.

  • Anonymous

    Yes, I would have to admit, smart as comments on bumber stickers are pretentious, and “it’s a jeep thing” fits perfectly into that category.

    vz

  • Thomas

    I’ve never seen the brains in a jeep, either.