My mother’s mother, with her granddaughter Katie – 1980

My mom, with her granddaughter Veda – 2010

“You did a good job!” my mom said to Veda, after the little one had slid down the slide all by herself. In an instant I was little myself, hearing that same friendly compliment. It felt good, just like it always did. I’d forgotten.

I mentioned it to Penny later, and she laughed. “My mom did that to me the other day too!” It happened when her mom – now “Grandma” – was chasing our niece Gianna across the room, and caught up to her just after Gianna had taken a toy from one of the other grandkids.

“Hey, hey, Gianna,” Grandma smiled. “Don’t be mean… That’s not nice.”

It’s a funny bit of circular logic, but it makes perfect sense to a kid. Gianna understood, if only for that moment, that being mean isn’t nice, and that you shouldn’t do it.

And Penny remembered, in just that moment, being taught the same thing, in the same soft voice, by the same woman all those years before.

You hear your mom say these things to your kid and it’s like a time warp. That voice! Those words! It all comes rushing back to you. Honestly, when my mom said, “You did a good job,” with that special emphasis on the “j” for some reason, just like always, I felt a little spark of pride in myself. Just like always.

It makes me think of the in-the-middleness I wrote about before. I wish there were some gorgeous Sanskrit word for that principle, and maybe there is, but for now I just keep coming back to that awkward hyphenated phrase.

We are In The Middle. It’s like a water brigade, you know? The buckets are passed from hand to hand, continuing the flow and quenching the fire. It seems to stretch on forever.

And all down the line, it’s mothers. They selflessly — joyously! — hand down all that was given to them, passing it along to the next person.

I’m sure Veda will one day hear Penny say some Penelopianism to another little bean, and feel that same rush of recognition that we felt the other day.

*****

But what’s in the bucket? What is it that a mother gives her child, time and time again?

I decided to ask some of Penny’s friends and family. “What kind of mother is she?” I emailed them, wondering what words they’d send in response. “How would you describe what Penny is for Veda?”

It was beautiful. They said she was “selfless and strong, gentle and giddy.” “Caring, patient, and protective” said her brother.

Her friend Leonie called her “the most beautiful kind of mama there is: loving, thought*full, conscious, passionate, tender, whole, and doing her best…”

Veda’s Grandma Kline described her as “diligent and nurturing!” – in gigantic, boldface letters in my inbox. Penny’s friend Brooke – who was also our doula, so she’s followed this story since the beginning – wrote a wonderful story about what she’d seen Penny accomplish over the past year and three months, and said Veda “knows in her core she is loved.”

“You’re an awesome mom,” Brooke said.

And she is. Her sister Lauren said she was “vibrant and fun, encouraging and self-assured.” She’s selfless and caring and sharing, said my Mom, and her friend Christine responded, “Compassionate, attentive, fun, funny, silly, giving, forgiving, gentle, wise, loving. Fantastic! Incredible! Inspiring. And so much more.”

She’s all the things I could want for my daughter’s mama. So today I thanked her again for being so wonderful, and gave her a picture I made of all the nice things her friends had said. (I’ll have to add “thoughtful” and “determined,” which were in the fantastic letter her friend Gwen sent last night, along with the gorgeous raves from her friend Melanie, all about Penny’s “unending drive to find her best, truest, most authentic self” and to instill that same drive in Veda.

Melanie said,

“And if you provide only the tiniest sliver of that light  to Veda (and of course, as her mother, you know that you provide so much more than slivers… you are whole galaxies of light to your daughter), I am certain that you provide Veda with all the sunshine and moonlight and courage and strength and just out and out goodness she needs to be the best possible Veda she can be… today and tomorrow and always forever.

You are a great mother, Penny, because you are a great person, a whole and complete person, modest yet strong, and always always reaching to be better.”

And she’s right. So I guess that’s what’s in the buckets that mothers – and Grandmas, and sisters, and brothers, and friends – pass along. Thanks to all of you, and Happy Mother’s Day.